you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
