how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize