We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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