apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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