i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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