my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
