What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
