I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
