pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
