I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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