Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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