I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
