Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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