i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We are two peas in an std pod
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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