he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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