Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
