Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
