thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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