In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
