it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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