god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
