not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
