I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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