Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
