I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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