I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
