I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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