she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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