matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Less talking, more tequila
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
