Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
