I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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