you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
