k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
