i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
