if you like me you must not know who I am
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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