so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize