We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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