so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
