He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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