how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
