I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
