Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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