So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
