Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
