There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
