I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
