i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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