What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize