I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
