I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
