It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I deserve this hangover.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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