If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
