i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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