you have to choose: penises or morals?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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