I looked at my own cervix.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
