it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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