that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
