I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
