I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
they're like a gay fantastic four
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Randomize
