I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
